1 00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:01,235 . 2 00:00:01,769 --> 00:00:02,136 [upbeat music] 3 00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:06,440 * 4 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,142 - Whoop-whoop! 5 00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:10,311 - What are you doing? He's so peaceful. 6 00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:11,545 Just let him be. 7 00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:14,548 - Man, if I got to be awake, he got to be awake. 8 00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:17,085 [shouts] Yo! Old white dude! 9 00:00:17,085 --> 00:00:19,253 Black people taking over! 10 00:00:19,253 --> 00:00:22,022 Ooh. That usually wakes 'em up. 11 00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:25,293 He's not... - No, he couldn't be. 12 00:00:25,293 --> 00:00:27,195 Hey. 13 00:00:27,195 --> 00:00:29,597 Hey, pop-pop. Hey--ah! 14 00:00:29,597 --> 00:00:33,033 - Oh, Jonah touched a dead guy! Jonah touched a dead guy! 15 00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:36,036 [upbeat music] 16 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,938 * 17 00:00:37,938 --> 00:00:39,773 - Well, we can likely rule out foul play. 18 00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:41,709 According to his license, he was 87. 19 00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:42,976 Probably died of old age. 20 00:00:42,976 --> 00:00:45,413 - My great-grandma died the same way. 21 00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:48,482 Her mom too. Bad genes, I guess. 22 00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:50,418 - So, she just kept the dead man's wallet, 23 00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:51,652 and we're all okay with that? 24 00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,121 - Finders keepers. 25 00:00:53,121 --> 00:00:56,690 - Anyway, uh, I thought we should all gather 26 00:00:56,690 --> 00:00:59,293 as a group in sort of a safe space 27 00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:02,029 so that we can share any feelings that we have 28 00:01:02,029 --> 00:01:03,697 about what happened. 29 00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:07,735 Um, is anyone feeling any sadness? 30 00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:09,503 Or shock? 31 00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:11,139 Or guilt? 32 00:01:11,139 --> 00:01:13,707 There are no wrong answers. 33 00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:15,143 Yes, Garrett. 34 00:01:15,143 --> 00:01:16,910 - I guess apathy. 35 00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:20,047 I don't got any feelings about this dude. 36 00:01:20,047 --> 00:01:22,616 - Okay, uh, Garrett, thank you for sharing. 37 00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:27,721 Um, is anyone else feeling feelings of apathy? 38 00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:29,923 Okay, well, that's valid. 39 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:32,260 That's va--no, it's not valid! You know what? 40 00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:35,028 No one is leaving this room until I see someone 41 00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:37,665 express some real G-D emotion! 42 00:01:37,665 --> 00:01:41,602 - Uh, well, perhaps seeing a dead person today 43 00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:45,506 made us all realize how fragile the journey of life really is. 44 00:01:45,506 --> 00:01:46,874 - Thank you. 45 00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:49,610 A little cliché, but points for effort. 46 00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:52,012 All right, um, why don't we just all 47 00:01:52,012 --> 00:01:54,182 bow our heads-- - No religion in the workplace. 48 00:01:54,182 --> 00:01:55,883 - Okay, a moment of silence. - Nope. 49 00:01:55,883 --> 00:01:58,186 Not if you're thinking about God. 50 00:01:58,186 --> 00:02:01,989 - Okay, Amy, could you come and say a few secular words? 51 00:02:06,294 --> 00:02:07,995 - Um... 52 00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:14,202 Charles, uh, wasn't just a man 53 00:02:14,202 --> 00:02:16,970 who needed corrective lenses, 54 00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:20,741 he was also not an organ donor. 55 00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:25,646 And, um, in conclusion, he lived on Oak Street. 56 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:26,780 - Thank you. 57 00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:29,617 - [sighs] So tragic. 58 00:02:29,617 --> 00:02:31,219 What's gonna happen to the couch? 59 00:02:31,219 --> 00:02:32,353 - What? The couch? 60 00:02:32,353 --> 00:02:34,255 - It was the fanciest one in the store. 61 00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:36,257 - He died on the fancy couch? 62 00:02:36,257 --> 00:02:39,126 Does that mean it's gonna be on sale? 63 00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:40,994 - We don't have to tell anyone somebody died on it. 64 00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:44,097 - Not disclosing someone died on it is lying. 65 00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:45,833 I'm a man of truth, Dina. 66 00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:47,335 Maybe lying's your thing. 67 00:02:47,335 --> 00:02:48,969 - Oh, you like truth, huh? - Yeah. 68 00:02:48,969 --> 00:02:50,103 - How 'bout this truth: 69 00:02:50,103 --> 00:02:51,672 you have the hands of a middle-aged woman. 70 00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:53,374 - You want to play the truth game? 71 00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:54,408 - Sure. - Fine. 72 00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:56,310 Your podcast is a mess. - [Dina gasps] 73 00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:58,479 - Yeah, no one wants to hear your rambling. 74 00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:00,948 Just get to the interview. 75 00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:04,852 [rock music] 76 00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:12,159 * 77 00:03:14,094 --> 00:03:15,829 - You're loading that wrong. 78 00:03:15,829 --> 00:03:19,066 - Oh, um, thank you, little girl, 79 00:03:19,066 --> 00:03:22,270 but I think I know what I'm doing. 80 00:03:22,270 --> 00:03:23,271 [grunts] 81 00:03:23,271 --> 00:03:25,005 There we go. 82 00:03:25,005 --> 00:03:26,640 Just got to use a little muscle. 83 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,809 - Can I have one? - Sure. 84 00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:30,444 And I don't know if you-- 85 00:03:30,444 --> 00:03:34,081 - Emma, there you are. I told-- 86 00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:36,850 You loaded it wrong? 87 00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:39,553 - Wait a minute. That's your daughter! 88 00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,822 - Shh! We're not allowed to bring our kids to work. 89 00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:43,090 - Oh. 90 00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:44,525 - My sitter cancelled, and she's hanging out 91 00:03:44,525 --> 00:03:46,294 for a couple hours, but can you please not tell Glenn or... 92 00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:47,695 - Shh. - Dina. 93 00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:48,896 - No, no, no, no, your secret is safe with me. 94 00:03:48,896 --> 00:03:51,198 I'm not telling anybody. Hi, I'm Jonah. 95 00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:54,502 - Yeah, I figured. You're right, he is incompetent. 96 00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:56,437 - You told her I was incompetent? 97 00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:58,839 Ba-na-na-na. Talk about me at home? 98 00:03:58,839 --> 00:04:00,341 - [sighs] 99 00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:01,975 - I don't know if I should be flattered or insulted. 100 00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:04,445 - Don't be flattered. 101 00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:14,322 - [whispers] Hey, Garrett. 102 00:04:14,322 --> 00:04:17,124 I've got a shoplifter in my crosshairs. 103 00:04:17,124 --> 00:04:18,659 - Hmm, I've taken four breaks today, 104 00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:21,128 so I guess we both got stuff to brag about. 105 00:04:21,128 --> 00:04:24,131 [sneaky music] 106 00:04:24,131 --> 00:04:30,871 * 107 00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:33,907 [baby cries] - My baby! 108 00:04:37,345 --> 00:04:40,514 - Gotcha, you gorgeous piece of garbage. 109 00:04:41,749 --> 00:04:42,783 - Did you get to the part where he finds-- 110 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:43,951 - [whines] 111 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,853 - Well hurry up, I want to talk about it. 112 00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:48,589 - Amy, can I see you for a minute? 113 00:04:48,589 --> 00:04:53,093 - Um, wait, I have to watch the jewelry counter. 114 00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:55,396 - Jonah? Watch jewelry, will you? 115 00:04:55,396 --> 00:04:57,631 - Sure. - Um, no. 116 00:04:57,631 --> 00:05:01,402 I don't think, um, Jonah has very much experience 117 00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:04,638 with...jewelry. 118 00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:08,075 - I don't have any jewelry of my own, 119 00:05:08,075 --> 00:05:10,844 but my brothers have some jewelry 120 00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:13,481 that I've played with. 121 00:05:13,481 --> 00:05:16,384 - Amy. 122 00:05:16,384 --> 00:05:20,388 - Um...yeah. Okay. Uh... 123 00:05:20,388 --> 00:05:23,391 Well, I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere. 124 00:05:23,391 --> 00:05:26,159 Stay here, and, uh, whatever you do, 125 00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:28,195 don't bring attention to the jewelry. 126 00:05:28,195 --> 00:05:31,865 - Trust me, no one will know the jewelry is here. 127 00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:35,403 - There is so much I don't understand about sales. 128 00:05:38,872 --> 00:05:40,574 - Hiya. 129 00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:42,776 So what else did Mom say about me? 130 00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:46,013 Aside from the general incompetence. 131 00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:48,181 - I have to go to the bathroom. 132 00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:50,518 - Oh, "Maze Runner!" 133 00:05:50,518 --> 00:05:53,687 We must chat when you get back. I have lots of opinions. 134 00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:55,489 - I'm a hunter. 135 00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:58,659 Some people like to hunt elk, or deer. 136 00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:00,227 I hunt people, 137 00:06:00,227 --> 00:06:03,997 and your head is going on my wall. 138 00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:05,899 - I didn't steal anything. 139 00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:08,035 - Oh, you didn't? 140 00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:09,470 Well, this was easy. 141 00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:11,238 Sorry for the mix-up, you can go. 142 00:06:11,238 --> 00:06:14,341 Here, let me get you your purse. Oops! 143 00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:15,643 Ha ha! 144 00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:17,811 Well, well, well, lookie what we've got here. 145 00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:19,346 - That's mine. I came in with it. 146 00:06:19,346 --> 00:06:21,148 - How convenient for you. 147 00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:22,850 Well... [groans]. 148 00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:25,185 I guess it's just my word against yours then. 149 00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:27,721 [sighs] If only I had some sort of device 150 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,491 right at my fingertips that recorded your illegal activity. 151 00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:32,960 [gasps] Oh. 152 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,828 If only I could simply press a button, 153 00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:36,697 and see that recording. 154 00:06:36,697 --> 00:06:38,899 Oh. 155 00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:50,210 If only that had worked. 156 00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:51,979 - I have always wanted... - You? No, no, no... 157 00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:53,380 - A blue couch! - Okay. 158 00:06:53,380 --> 00:06:54,615 - My home is all about-- - Hey, hey, hey! 159 00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:55,916 Okay, okay. 160 00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:57,485 Y'all in Judge Garrett's court now. 161 00:06:57,485 --> 00:07:01,054 You both want the couch. Plead your case. Go. 162 00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:04,958 - I'm pregnant, and I have so little...[cries] 163 00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:06,894 Where's the baby gonna sit? 164 00:07:06,894 --> 00:07:09,162 - Uh, fake cry. 165 00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:12,666 I invented fake crying. 166 00:07:12,666 --> 00:07:15,569 She was my sister! 167 00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:17,237 God... 168 00:07:17,237 --> 00:07:18,906 I just want to hold her one more time... 169 00:07:18,906 --> 00:07:21,008 - Wow, you could be in a Lifetime movie. 170 00:07:21,008 --> 00:07:23,711 - Thanks. - We gonna do this the easy way. 171 00:07:23,711 --> 00:07:24,812 You want the couch? 172 00:07:24,812 --> 00:07:26,714 Whoever sits on it the longest gets it. 173 00:07:26,714 --> 00:07:28,849 You get up, you lose. You in? 174 00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:30,518 - Absolutely. - Yup. 175 00:07:30,518 --> 00:07:33,654 - "It is not death a man should fear, 176 00:07:33,654 --> 00:07:36,657 but never beginning to live." 177 00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:38,526 Marcus Aurelius. 178 00:07:38,526 --> 00:07:41,228 "I don't got no fear of death." 179 00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:43,931 Tupac Shakur. 180 00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:45,899 - Those are beautiful, Glenn. Thank you. 181 00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:47,200 - You're welcome. 182 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:50,804 - Um, I think I need to get back to the jewelry counter. 183 00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:53,306 - Oh, sure, get back to jewelry. 184 00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:55,442 A man died here today. 185 00:07:55,442 --> 00:07:59,346 When I die, will it be business as usual? 186 00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:02,950 Jewelry, cosmetics, sporting goods, electronics, 187 00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:04,251 grocery-- - No, you're right. 188 00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:05,786 You're right, Glenn. - Men's apparel. 189 00:08:05,786 --> 00:08:09,322 Women's apparel. Housewares. Seasonal. 190 00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:11,692 - Well, would it make you feel better 191 00:08:11,692 --> 00:08:15,328 if we did something for his family? 192 00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:18,131 - I know a guy who makes life-size puppets 193 00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:20,568 of the deceased using their actual hair. 194 00:08:20,568 --> 00:08:22,469 - Well, that's one idea. Here's another one. 195 00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:24,838 What if we sent his family a condolence card? 196 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,907 - Oh, that's even better. 197 00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:29,376 'Cause those puppets are pretty horrifying. 198 00:08:32,613 --> 00:08:35,115 - Hey, Emma? [toilet flushes] 199 00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:36,950 You--you've been in here a while. 200 00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:38,819 Is--is everything okay? 201 00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:41,421 - I'm fine. Can you get my mom? 202 00:08:41,421 --> 00:08:43,724 - Uh, you know, your mom is actually 203 00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:45,593 with our boss right now, and I don't want 204 00:08:45,593 --> 00:08:46,694 to get her in trouble, so-- 205 00:08:46,694 --> 00:08:47,961 - Can you please just get her? 206 00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:50,230 - Uh, you know, Emma, whatever it is, 207 00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:52,099 you can trust me, I promise you-- 208 00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:54,702 - I got my first period! 209 00:08:58,639 --> 00:08:58,772 . 210 00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:01,174 - Hey, have you seen Amy? 211 00:09:03,611 --> 00:09:05,646 - Amy... 212 00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:13,621 - I got to get back to jewelry, but this seems very Charles. 213 00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:14,888 - Uh, wait a sec. 214 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,890 Wait, so you detained her without proof? 215 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,458 - There was a faulty surveillance camera. 216 00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:22,195 - She could sue the store! Do you remember Linda Beavers? 217 00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:25,465 She was fired for falsely accusing someone of shoplifting. 218 00:09:25,465 --> 00:09:27,835 - Wait, Linda was fired? - Yeah. 219 00:09:27,835 --> 00:09:30,203 - She told me the doctor said she was too fat to work. 220 00:09:30,203 --> 00:09:32,272 - Yeah, that was just her excuse to save face. 221 00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:33,841 - Look, I'm not falsely accusing her. 222 00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:35,542 She did it, I just can't prove it. 223 00:09:35,542 --> 00:09:37,077 - Okay, she hasn't been in there long, 224 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:39,146 so just apologize, and hopefully, 225 00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:40,480 that'll be the end of it. 226 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:43,116 - You want me to let her go? I saw her do it! 227 00:09:43,116 --> 00:09:45,018 - It doesn't matter what you saw. 228 00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:47,655 Just cut your losses and move on. 229 00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:49,389 That's an order. 230 00:09:49,389 --> 00:09:51,659 I just sounded like my wife right there. 231 00:09:51,659 --> 00:09:53,727 - Hey, Emma, I want you to know 232 00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:55,729 I can't find your mom, but don't worry, 233 00:09:55,729 --> 00:09:57,665 I can handle it. 234 00:09:57,665 --> 00:09:59,667 And I'm in the Men's room. 235 00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:01,568 I want you to know, I can't find your mom, 236 00:10:01,568 --> 00:10:03,203 but don't worry, I can handle it. 237 00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:04,638 - Are you sure? 238 00:10:04,638 --> 00:10:07,240 'Cause my mom said you're not that good at doing stuff. 239 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,110 - Did your mom ever say anything positive about me? 240 00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:11,845 This is not about me. 241 00:10:11,845 --> 00:10:14,181 - It is unfortunate that 242 00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:17,117 the situation arose where you were accused 243 00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:20,754 of something that, due to circumstance, 244 00:10:20,754 --> 00:10:22,022 the proof that you did it... 245 00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:24,624 [clears throat] Was lost. 246 00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:28,729 Such that, to anyone who wasn't there in person, 247 00:10:28,729 --> 00:10:30,397 they wouldn't know you had did it. 248 00:10:30,397 --> 00:10:32,465 - I'm sorry, is this an apology? 249 00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,434 - Yes, and don't say sorry to me. 250 00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:36,469 I don't accept. - Uh, don't worry. I won't. 251 00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:37,504 I'm leaving. - Okay. 252 00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:38,906 Just need you to sign this form 253 00:10:38,906 --> 00:10:41,174 stating that I let you go and that you won't sue the store. 254 00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:43,110 - Anything to get away from your polyester blend shirt 255 00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:46,079 and that stupid little ponytail you're forced to wear. 256 00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:47,781 - Uh, the ponytail is not forced. 257 00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:50,417 It is one of 12 approved hairstyles for female employees. 258 00:10:50,417 --> 00:10:52,820 - Mm, well, whatever it is, it's pitiful. 259 00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:55,288 Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you work retail. 260 00:10:55,288 --> 00:10:57,858 Pitiful means sad. 261 00:10:57,858 --> 00:10:59,526 - I know you stole. 262 00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:02,462 - Oh yeah? Prove it. 263 00:11:02,462 --> 00:11:05,733 - We're just getting started, lady! 264 00:11:05,733 --> 00:11:07,935 I cannot physically touch you, 265 00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:10,838 but I can get very close. 266 00:11:10,838 --> 00:11:13,540 - So, the episiotomy is when they have to snip 267 00:11:13,540 --> 00:11:15,743 the area between your vagina and your butthole 268 00:11:15,743 --> 00:11:17,177 so that you don't tear your peehole. 269 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,746 - You know, it's not working, okay? 270 00:11:18,746 --> 00:11:20,080 I'm not getting off this couch. 271 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,382 - And it's all held together by a mucus plug, 272 00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:24,952 so imagine, like, a bag of cherry pie filling, 273 00:11:24,952 --> 00:11:26,854 but it has a hole in it, but the hole's being blocked 274 00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:27,988 by a big ball of snot. 275 00:11:27,988 --> 00:11:30,758 - Yep, yep, miracle of life. Get it. 276 00:11:30,758 --> 00:11:31,959 - I wonder if I'll eat my placenta. 277 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,427 - Hey, uh, Dina? - I'm in a hurry. 278 00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:35,929 If you want to talk, you have to walk with me. 279 00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:38,098 - Uh, okay, this is gonna sound crazy, but, 280 00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:39,900 do you remember your first period? 281 00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:42,069 Because-- - February 4th, 2003. 282 00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:44,137 It was a Tuesday. Unseasonably warm. 283 00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:46,073 - Okay, so-- - I was 19. 284 00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:48,308 Late bloomer, though I've more than made up for that since. 285 00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:49,977 My gyno says I ovulate like a champ. 286 00:11:49,977 --> 00:11:52,645 I drop eggs hard. - All right, uh-- 287 00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:54,782 - You know my aunt was born with two vaginas? 288 00:11:54,782 --> 00:11:55,883 Yeah, she always thought it would help her date, 289 00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:57,084 but it didn't. 290 00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:58,485 She died alone. Well, she will die alone. 291 00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:00,253 She's still alive. She's only like 50 or something. 292 00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:02,055 - Okay, thanks. 293 00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:04,191 Think I got all the information I need. 294 00:12:04,191 --> 00:12:07,660 - [chuckles] God, I'm good at flirting. 295 00:12:13,867 --> 00:12:17,004 - Hey! You! Rodriguez! Follow me. 296 00:12:17,004 --> 00:12:18,205 What's the hold up? 297 00:12:18,205 --> 00:12:20,340 - Well, I don't like when people snap in my face. 298 00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:22,943 I'm busy. My name's not "Rodriguez." 299 00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:25,412 There are so many reasons. - I need your help. 300 00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,147 That shoplifter's still upstairs. 301 00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:28,882 - Dina, you didn't let her go? 302 00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:30,818 You heard Glenn, you could lose your job. 303 00:12:30,818 --> 00:12:32,552 - Not if we can get her to confess. 304 00:12:32,552 --> 00:12:34,021 - We--uh, sorry. We? 305 00:12:34,021 --> 00:12:35,555 - Look, I know we've never been close. 306 00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:37,825 Frankly, there are a lot of things I can't stand about you, 307 00:12:37,825 --> 00:12:40,727 but right now, you're the only person I trust. 308 00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:43,630 - Um...no. 309 00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:46,633 - Please...I...[sighs] 310 00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:49,069 I don't want to lose my job. 311 00:12:49,069 --> 00:12:50,403 - Is this gonna take a long time? 312 00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:51,972 - No. 313 00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:53,706 I mean, I was hoping for a quick nacho bar fuel up, 314 00:12:53,706 --> 00:12:55,408 but we can skip that. 315 00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:56,443 I mean, unless you... - No. 316 00:12:58,879 --> 00:12:59,012 . 317 00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:01,849 - I'm an 11-year-old girl. Do I like pads or tampons? 318 00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:07,754 Hyp--hypothetically. 319 00:13:07,754 --> 00:13:08,889 - Oh, hey, dude. 320 00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:10,657 You want to split a pizza for lunch break? 321 00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:12,159 - What do you know about periods? 322 00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:14,361 - Oh, it's bleeding from the uterus 323 00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:15,863 that's released through the vagina. 324 00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:17,931 Happens every 28 days, give or take a few, 325 00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:18,932 depending on the lady. 326 00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:20,400 They all snowflakes. 327 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,135 So was that a no for pizza? 328 00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:23,971 - I don't think I'm hungry anymore. 329 00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:25,672 - Whoo, I am. 330 00:13:26,874 --> 00:13:28,876 - So how, exactly, are we getting her to confess? 331 00:13:28,876 --> 00:13:30,911 - We're going classic good cop, bad cop. 332 00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:32,345 - Like they do in the movies? 333 00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:34,481 - Trust me. I've been doing this for years. 334 00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:35,782 This'll work. 335 00:13:35,782 --> 00:13:38,018 - Okay, good cop, bad cop. 336 00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:42,589 - Hey, there, this is my bestie, Amy. 337 00:13:42,589 --> 00:13:45,592 Be careful of her, she's a little unstable. 338 00:13:47,995 --> 00:13:49,729 - Um... [clears throat]. 339 00:13:49,729 --> 00:13:51,364 Listen up, dirt bag. - Ow. 340 00:13:51,364 --> 00:13:54,534 - Do you need some water or a mint? 341 00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:55,602 God, you're just so pretty. 342 00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:56,970 - Are you gonna let me go, or what? 343 00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:59,672 - I want to, but Amy here is a maniac. 344 00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,909 She's loco. 345 00:14:01,909 --> 00:14:06,446 - [thick accent] Uh, yeah, loco! Loco 'bout bustin' perps! 346 00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:08,248 [growls] 347 00:14:10,617 --> 00:14:14,387 - Oh, hey, um, I've decided to take up a collection 348 00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:16,123 for the dead fella's family. 349 00:14:16,123 --> 00:14:18,025 Maybe you guys could, like, take this around 350 00:14:18,025 --> 00:14:19,826 and get the other employees to donate? 351 00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:22,662 - Got it. - Money for the dead guy. 352 00:14:22,662 --> 00:14:24,797 - Mm-hmm. Oh. - Great. 353 00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:28,801 - Should I just put it... 354 00:14:28,801 --> 00:14:31,138 - Yeah, just, you can set it down. 355 00:14:31,138 --> 00:14:32,505 Good. 356 00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:35,708 - You know that's the couch he died on. 357 00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:39,546 - Okay, Uncle Jonah's back. 358 00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:40,981 Gross. 359 00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:43,483 Please pretend I did not just call myself "Uncle Jonah." 360 00:14:43,483 --> 00:14:44,684 - Did you get something? 361 00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:46,954 - Yep, these are colorful. Oh! 362 00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:49,789 And this one has a girl playing soccer on the cover. 363 00:14:49,789 --> 00:14:51,658 - I just want whatever's easy to use. 364 00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:54,694 - I got to be honest, none of these really look easy to use. 365 00:14:54,694 --> 00:14:56,964 - My cousin Ricky started out shoplifting. 366 00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:59,499 Now he's bangin' out license plates in some prison 367 00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:02,635 trying to avoid a big guy named Crazy Eyes. 368 00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:05,538 - Crazy Eyes is a character in "Orange is the New Black." 369 00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:08,341 - Crazy Eyes is a character in every prison in America, 370 00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:10,110 ladrona puta. 371 00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:12,445 - Is she okay? 372 00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:13,580 I don't understand what's happening. 373 00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,015 - It's boxing. 374 00:15:15,015 --> 00:15:16,849 - Okay, listen Rizzoli and Isles, 375 00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:18,185 I'm not confessing to anything, 376 00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:20,887 especially not to two minimum-wage morons. 377 00:15:20,887 --> 00:15:21,989 - I'm sorry, what? 378 00:15:21,989 --> 00:15:23,890 - Hey, sweetie, you seem stressed. 379 00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:25,192 Do you want a back rub? - No, no, no, no, no. 380 00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:26,593 Who do you think you are? 381 00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,595 You can't just walk up in here, start calling us morons. 382 00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:32,032 - Amy, forget it, okay? This clearly isn't working. 383 00:15:32,032 --> 00:15:34,467 Guess you're free to go, courtesy of one broken camera 384 00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:35,502 in the makeup department. 385 00:15:35,502 --> 00:15:38,005 - Wait. You saw her in makeup? 386 00:15:38,005 --> 00:15:39,139 - Yeah. 387 00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:40,373 - Well, you know, the cameras in accessories 388 00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:41,574 also cover makeup. 389 00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:43,376 - [gasps] I just realized. 390 00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:44,677 If we pull the footage from accessories, 391 00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:45,812 we've got our proof! 392 00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:46,846 - Yeah, that's what I was saying. 393 00:15:46,846 --> 00:15:48,715 - And you're going down, thief! 394 00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:51,218 - Enjoy prison! 395 00:15:55,922 --> 00:15:59,026 - [laughs] - Oh, boy. 396 00:15:59,026 --> 00:16:00,460 It's a heated competition. 397 00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:03,363 - I think you're just supposed to open it 398 00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:05,032 from--or--nope, I broke it. 399 00:16:05,032 --> 00:16:08,035 Nope. Yep. That can't be right. 400 00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:11,371 It's soft. Oh, this one looks easy. 401 00:16:11,371 --> 00:16:13,440 That--it travels. That one's a traveler. 402 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,408 Uh... 403 00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:18,178 Emma, look through the crack. 404 00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:21,781 I'm a mummy! Ahh! 405 00:16:21,781 --> 00:16:24,284 Oh, I'm sorry. I'll be right out. 406 00:16:24,284 --> 00:16:26,319 I'm helping a little girl. 407 00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:29,056 - Can't wait to see you bust that filthy bitch to hell. 408 00:16:29,056 --> 00:16:30,957 - You can drop the bad cop act. - It's not an act. 409 00:16:30,957 --> 00:16:32,892 I genuinely hate this lady. 410 00:16:32,892 --> 00:16:35,828 - Nice. Oh, here we go. 411 00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:45,238 . 412 00:16:46,973 --> 00:16:47,807 - Everyone here at Cloud 9 is so, so sorry 413 00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:54,281 to have inconvenienced you, and we are willing to 414 00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:56,949 do anything to make it right. 415 00:16:56,949 --> 00:17:00,487 - Here are some coupons. Uh, 25% off air fresheners. 416 00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:01,688 - Ooh. 417 00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:03,823 - Uh, buy one, get one free toothpaste. 418 00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:06,626 And, um, and a free slushie. 419 00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:08,095 But, you know what, something tells me 420 00:17:08,095 --> 00:17:09,962 you're not a slushie girl, so I'll just keep that. 421 00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:11,531 - Let me be clear. 422 00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:13,100 You have two options. 423 00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:15,368 You can either fire this dum-dum right now, 424 00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,937 or I can go home, call your corporate offices, 425 00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:19,206 and make them fire her. 426 00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:20,773 - Okay, let's just talk this through. 427 00:17:20,773 --> 00:17:23,310 It was one mistake. - I'm leaving. 428 00:17:23,310 --> 00:17:24,944 I can't waste another minute of my life 429 00:17:24,944 --> 00:17:27,980 with you back-country idiots. 430 00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:32,018 - Okay, I'm just gonna say it: 431 00:17:32,018 --> 00:17:34,754 I like her less than I like other people. 432 00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:36,123 ["Somewhere Over The Rainbow" plays] 433 00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:40,393 - * Somewhere over the rainbow * 434 00:17:41,694 --> 00:17:43,563 - I can't believe I'm gonna lose my job. 435 00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:47,400 I just upgraded all of the trash cans in my apartment. 436 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,569 Stupid, Dina, stupid! 437 00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:53,240 - Relax, things have a way of working out. 438 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,442 - Oh, I'm sure you'll be happy with me gone. 439 00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:57,244 You can turn this place into some sort of 440 00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:59,412 deranged religious cult. 441 00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:02,515 [alarm blares] 442 00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:06,786 - Well, well, look who didn't feel like 443 00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:10,157 paying for their copy of "Barney's Great Adventure." 444 00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:12,825 - That's not mine, someone else must have put it there. 445 00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:16,196 - Now, let me be clear. 446 00:18:16,196 --> 00:18:17,897 You have two options. 447 00:18:17,897 --> 00:18:20,967 You can report Dina to corporate while I report you 448 00:18:20,967 --> 00:18:22,535 to the police, 449 00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:27,274 or we can agree that sometimes good people make mistakes, 450 00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:30,277 and put this whole darn thing behind us. 451 00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:31,878 - Fine. 452 00:18:31,878 --> 00:18:34,281 But I'm never stepping foot in this dump again. 453 00:18:34,281 --> 00:18:37,984 - And God grants us another miracle. 454 00:18:37,984 --> 00:18:40,953 Have a heavenly day. 455 00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:43,390 What? - Did you plant that? 456 00:18:43,390 --> 00:18:46,593 - Dina, I'm a man of truth and principle, 457 00:18:46,593 --> 00:18:48,561 so how can you even ask me that? 458 00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:51,564 - Understood. 459 00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:53,900 - It was me. I did it. I saved you. 460 00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:56,769 You owe me so hard! So hard! 461 00:18:56,769 --> 00:18:58,571 Yeah! I lied! 462 00:18:58,571 --> 00:18:59,672 - See that? In the back corner? 463 00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:01,040 You see the little family over there? 464 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:02,809 Kill 'em. Blow 'em up. 465 00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:04,577 - Here you are. 466 00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:07,214 I'm sorry I was gone so long. 467 00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:08,648 What'd you do all day? 468 00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:11,083 - Uh, we mostly played video games. 469 00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:12,252 It was fun. 470 00:19:12,252 --> 00:19:14,221 - Wow. - Yep. 471 00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:15,755 - Good job. 472 00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:18,090 Thanks for, uh, keeping an eye on her. 473 00:19:18,090 --> 00:19:21,060 - It was easy. She's a great kid. 474 00:19:21,060 --> 00:19:23,095 - Yeah, she is. 475 00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:24,731 [gunshots] 476 00:19:24,731 --> 00:19:25,932 [groans] 477 00:19:25,932 --> 00:19:28,635 - Jonah taught me how to use a maxi pad. 478 00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:31,671 [groans] 479 00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:36,309 - Thank you all for gathering to help me 480 00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:39,346 honor and remember... 481 00:19:40,447 --> 00:19:42,449 Charles Maynard Rand. 482 00:19:42,449 --> 00:19:45,252 - Why do we have to destroy the couch? 483 00:19:45,252 --> 00:19:47,787 - Well, for one thing, it's a wonderful way 484 00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:49,822 to memorialize a man. 485 00:19:49,822 --> 00:19:51,624 - Plus, I looked up the store policy. 486 00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:53,826 If a death occurs on any display furniture, 487 00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:54,927 it has to be destroyed. 488 00:19:54,927 --> 00:19:56,596 Who knew? - I knew. 489 00:19:56,596 --> 00:19:59,632 Same thing happened at the Kirkwood store a few months ago. 490 00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:03,169 - Jonah? - Right. 491 00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:13,446 - We didn't know Charles, but he chose to spend 492 00:20:13,446 --> 00:20:17,617 the last few moments of his life with us. 493 00:20:17,617 --> 00:20:22,221 Charles, may your soul... 494 00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:25,958 or non-denominational life force, I guess, 495 00:20:25,958 --> 00:20:30,330 be lifted by the non-gender-specific 496 00:20:30,330 --> 00:20:36,303 arms of a loving entity or non-entity-- 497 00:20:36,303 --> 00:20:39,138 - Hey. Just once? 498 00:20:39,138 --> 00:20:40,840 Knock yourself out. 499 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,509 - Jesus Christ! 500 00:20:42,509 --> 00:20:47,847 The hands of Jesus Christ, who saves us from our sins 501 00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:50,550 with his precious blood, and welcomes us as little lambs... 502 00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:54,053 - Hey. Thanks for helping me out today. 503 00:20:54,053 --> 00:20:57,023 - Yeah, I got your back. 504 00:20:58,991 --> 00:21:00,693 - I know you brought your daughter into work. 505 00:21:00,693 --> 00:21:02,562 I got to write you up. You get it. 506 00:21:02,562 --> 00:21:05,798 - We give you the love, and we take away the evil! 507 00:21:05,798 --> 00:21:08,335 Amen! 508 00:21:08,335 --> 00:21:11,203 [exhales] What a day! 509 00:21:11,203 --> 00:21:13,139 - How much gas you put on that thing? 510 00:21:13,139 --> 00:21:17,744 - None, and that fabric is supposed to be fire-retardant. 511 00:21:17,744 --> 00:21:19,412 - Okay, uh... - Wow. 512 00:21:19,412 --> 00:21:22,148 - God bless us all, and let's get out of here.